quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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