I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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