U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
