why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
