my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize