We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
