As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
