I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
People in love make me want to vomit
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
