Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
