You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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