I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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