I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
