I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
