the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
