1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
