remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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