the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
