You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
