i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
