So drunk its hurt
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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