As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
