Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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