dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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