When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
