don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
