it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
