New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
