omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
