I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
