i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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