It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
