found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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