I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
