How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
