My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
