We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
