Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
