I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
