that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
