then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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