just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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