This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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