She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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