in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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