At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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