So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
