my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
someone owes me an orgasm
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
