Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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