Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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