my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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