she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
