she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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