so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
