So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize