I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
