We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
