Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
