If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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