the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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