im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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