You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He? As in you personified your dick?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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